Path to Purple

December 25, 2018. I thought, “I don’t know if I ever want to attend a Latin Mass ever again.”

It took almost a year before I was able to attend a Latin Mass again.

Now, I have been attending Latin Mass more often recently. Each time, I was easily able to enter into what is truly on my heart due to the silence. 

As I looked up at the altar, I kept asking myself, “What am I really trying to say to you, God?” I was having a difficult time putting words to my feelings. Finally, it came to me.

Is it so wrong to want to gain back control?

So far, yet so close

Tuesday.

It has been a while since I have prayed the rosary and when I did in the past, nothing has caught my attention or stood out. I simply prayed the rosary to calm down and relax.

But I guess my Ignatian prayers have become habitual or natural to me now and so, they eventually crept into my rosary prayer.

The 2nd Sorrowful Mystery: The Scourging at the Pillar

Jesus is stripped and unmercifully scourged until His body is one mass of bloody wounds. (Matt. 27:26)

I thought there is no way that Jesus can understand how I feel. He was a man and I am a woman. But suddenly, I saw that he did. He understood how exactly I felt.

The 3rd Sorrowful Mystery: The Crowning with Thorns

Jesus’ claim to kingship is ridiculed by putting a crown of thorns on His head and a reed in His hand. (Matt. 27:28- 31)

It has been a few years now and this has not changed. In fact, maybe it has gotten worse. All I know is that Jesus understands how I feel and I do not have to feel alone.

The 4th Sorrowful Mystery: Christ Carries the Cross

Jesus shoulders His own cross and carries it to the place of crucifixion while Mary follows Him sorrowing. (Luke 23:26- 32)

My new spiritual director told me to talk to Jesus. Bring my hopes, dreams, and suffering to Him. Especially the suffering part. “I know, I know,” I thought and honestly, I thought I already did. I am no stranger to Ignatian spirituality. But as I prayed this mystery, I saw Jesus carrying the cross, exhausted, breathing heavily, bloody, sweaty. I refused to give it to Him.

In fact, I refused to give it to anybody because I fear it is too much.

Instead of approaching it as

“I want you and I don’t ever want to let you go,”

I’ll approach it as

“I love you and I want to love you as how God loves you” 

I have made the stars of night

I will make their darkness bright

Who will bear my light to them?

Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord

Is it I Lord?

I have heard You calling in the night

I will go Lord

If You lead me

I will hold Your people in my heart

Due to past and recent events, I was reminded of the past and since then, I have been doubting my past decisions. Maybe I was wrong. I started questioning everything. And then I thought, “But where will I go?” Suddenly, I realized that this was a reminder of what it means to be a Huấn Luyện Viên. 

Last weekend, I attended Liên Đoàn Thánh Gia’s 1st Tĩnh Huấn Huynh Trưởng. I carpooled with two other Huynh Trưởngs in my Đoàn and we survived a minor car accident. When we arrived, they were just finishing the “Liên Đoàn vision & plan” presentation. 

I really needed to use the restroom and the other female Huynh Trưởngs pointed me to the female dorms and restrooms through another door. I quickly finished my business and as I was walking towards the door back to the dorms, the lights suddenly turned off and I could not see a thing. It was pitched black and although I remembered how far I was from the doorknob before the lights went out, I still felt scared. It was cold and I knew everyone else was in the Chapel for the next activity. I tried to remain calm, but I still let out a scream as I opened the door to the dorms and nearly ran into the room. (Yes, I am afraid of the dark for no reason) As soon I screamed and entered the dorms, I heard a startled male voice, “Oh! I’m sorry!” I looked around, confused, and saw my friend hunched over, attempting to light two candles on the floor. We exchanged a few words, but he didn’t get up until one of the candles were lit. When he got up, he walked over to turn off the lights.

That single candle shined brightly in the room. 

After a few seconds, he turned the lights back on and tried lighting up the second candle. Then, he reminded me that everyone else was in the Chapel for the next activity and so I hurried over. 

For the few seconds that the single candle lit up the room, my thoughts and worries calmed down. I finally heard silence for the first time in a long time. 

For some reason, I felt as if that single candle represented hope in the darkness inside my heart. That single candle was a friend. And when he tried to light up the other candle, I felt as if he was trying to give me hope, so that I can also shine brightly in the dark. It was as if he was trying to help me. 

The funny thing was that the Huynh Trưởng lighting up the candles is my friend. And he was the one who has helped me unknowingly, multiple times.

It’s so funny how things do not make sense to us until years later…

In college, my professor once told me that going to confession is like cleaning a window. The more often you clean it, the easier you see the small speck of dust on the window. For the past year, I was having confession more frequently than I ever have in my life. As a result, when the splatter of mud appeared on my window, I felt so disgusted. I felt panicked. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking and it was difficult to calm down. I made a phone call to someone I deeply trust that night. The next day, I immediately had confession amidst the crowd, crazy lights, and loud music. But the moment the priest absolved me from my sins, I felt my window cleaned again.

Looking back at 2019, I see how everything that has happened to me and everything that I have done directed me back towards God. Despite how difficult, painful, or frightening each event was, I got through it with prayer. Along the way, I met individuals that have kept me on the path and guided me to Jesus. I let go of friendships, but I have gained back so much more meaningful friendships. 

2020. Honestly, I am scared, but I am excited for what lies next on the path.